Every year a different work team from my department is responsible for fundraising and organizing the Christm... er, Holiday Party for our department. It's often a battle to see who can raise the most money with fundraising and can throw the most elaborate party. The battle for "Oos and Ahs". This year our support staff unit is in charge. They've come up with some pretty clever fundraising tactics. But... they have come up with one event that has forced me back into a life of covert tactics. I am Jason Bourne... James Bond... Maxwell Smart.
For $5 you can have all you can eat waffles. Now, I like waffles, but my stomach doesn't. Throw me a pancake, whip up some French toast, or butter up a sweet croissant with jam and I'm one happy kid. But shove a couple waffles in my stomach and watch me agonize. Taste good. Feels bad.
I intentionally came to work early this morning so I could slip through the back door before they were set up. The bulk of us arrive at 8:00 a.m. I broke in at 7:30... and there they were... waiting. Our breakroom is pretty much the first thing you walk by when you enter the building through the back door. The pack of support staff were standing there waiting for all of us, irons hot. "Waffles?"
They're so nice and I want to be supportive, but my response was short and simple, "Oh no, my name is Sean, but thank you," and slithered to my office a mere 15 feet away from the breakroom. I was lucky. Their supervisor had yet to arrive. These folk were aggressive, but they did not have the power.
Now I was trapped. I ate my banana. I sipped from my water bottle, but I needed more. I waited until 8:00, called my co-worker, and suggested we go for a hot chocolate. She took my offer, but now I needed to get to her office. I could hear my co-workers being picked off, one by one, as they entered through the door. I could hear them gasp for air as the support staff water boarded them with waffles and syrup. I opened my door and peaked around the corner. It was clear. I walked the opposite direction at double speed. I didn't look back as I heard the back door open behind me, and the haunting, "Waffles?" SNAG! "Gasp!"
The layout of our building looks like a giant pound sign with one additional hall in the middle.
I worked my way over to the middle hallway, grabbed my co-worker, and we made our way to Starbucks. We made our order and came back in through the side door. I worked my way down to the back hallway which gave me a direct view into the breakroom from a distance. Those poor people. My co-workers were shackled to the tables as the support staff shoveled the waffles into their mouths, and then squirt syrup over their faces. At this point the support staff supervisor had made it to the feeding. She stood in the hallway intersection and ordered people into the breakroom. You had no choice. Say no, and feel the wrath. I took an immediate turn back into the middle hallway. I would have to work my way back the same way I had come.
I stuck my head around the corner to see if the hallway was clear. It was. I turned the corner, walking light as to not make a sound. I could hear the supervisor coming back to the intersection. I ducked into the state office copy room and held my back tight against the wall. I heard the back door open and another victim dragged in against their will. The hallway was clear again. I rushed to the House Arrest office, and dove in as the supervisor made her way back to the intersection. I was one door away from my office. I leaned out into the hallway, just enough for my left eye to see what was happening. The supervisor opened the back door, stuck her head out, looked left, looked right, came back inside and shouted out, "there's more coming, get ready!" She popped back into the breakroom for a moment. This might be my last chance.
With full speed, and little care for damaged property, I jumped into the hallway, took a few steps, and fell into my office. I quickly turned and shut my door as quietly as possible. I could hear the back door open, followed by a series of screams. I couldn't save them. I couldn't even warn those who knew not what awaited them. I could only listen to the feeding. Our office would never be the same.
Like all things terrifying, the feeding eventually came to an end. The cries from syrup drizzled chins slowly came to a hush. The breakroom emptied. It was safe again. I slowly opened my door and listened. The horror had died. I cautiously walked out into the hallway. I made my way down the center hall where the majority of my co-workers held office. I looked into each office as I made my way down the hall. The story was the same in every office. Bodies hunched over their keyboards. Arms were hung down with hands nearly touching the floor. Some would attempt to raise their hand as if signaling for help. I could do nothing for them. Some still had syrup surrounding their upper lips. They're tongues curling around the upper lip in one last attempt to taste the sweet nectar of Mrs. Butterworth.
These people would be worthless for hours. If the Chinese were to attack, now would be the time. I, however, was safe. I had survived... the Waffle Apocalypse.
0 comments:
Post a Comment