The Killer Of All

As a child I was quite the serial killer. While most people didn't know about it, it is surprising at how many people did and never stopped me. I killed daily. I took multiple lives every day. It was easy. I'd just lift up the planter, and with one swipe of the hand, hundreds of lives would perish in seconds. I was public enemy number one in the world of bugs. I killed any and all creatures with six or eight legs, and those slimy critters such as worms, snails, and slugs.

I killed for years. You can wrap up every casualty from the Civil War, WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Korea, Iraq, and Afghanistan and wouldn't even come close to the number of lives I've taken.

But one night, not so long ago, I was sitting on the couch and noticed a small fruit fly had fallen into my beer. It was still moving. I stuck my finger into the beer and pulled the little fly out. I held it up to my face for a better look and watched as the fly began to rub it's legs across its wings, in an attempt to dry them out. The fly then flapped its wings, drying them out even more. The front legs began wiping its face. I watched this for several minutes. The fly then jumped up and down a bit as if taking a few practice take offs.

I don't know what came over me at this point. In any other situation that fly would have not even had remains left after one swipe of my hand against the floor. But this time, I slowly stood up, walked to my sliding glass door, and opened the door. I stuck my hand out and gave a quick blow to the fly. The fly released its clutches from my hand and was gone. I sat back on the couch and thought back on all the bugs I had destroyed in my life. I then looked at my dog and thought of how horrified I would be to see my dog perish the same way all those bugs had died. I felt guilty.

From the corner of my eye I saw a spider making its way across my floor. I got up off the couch and went over to the spider. With one step, I squished that spider. Those damn spiders get in your bed and suck your blood. Not on my watch.

What's Your Problem

As history has shown, I'm what's known as a chickenshit when it comes to talking to and asking out women I'm attracted to. I've never been able to explain why I have been afflicted with this deficit, but I think I have finally, at least, figured out the core of this issue.

Let's just be totally honest for a moment... when you are asking a woman out for a date, you are essentially saying, "Hi, I think you're attractive and would like for you to spend some time with me doing pretty much anything with the hope that by the end of the night you will have sex with me. I understand that it might not happen tonight, but it will at least lead up to some sexual activity within the third or fourth date and I'm willing to wait that long." That's it. It can't be denied. No man has ever approached a woman to ask her out simply for her company without any wanting of the sex. My theory does not apply to established friendships, but again... most of those even started with a physical attraction that just dragged out into a friendship. I have no problem with that. I'm talking about that first time you have to ask a woman out. And that just kills me.

I can't do it. I feel like as my mouth is moving and the words are flowing... who am I kidding... as the words are stumbling out of my mouth, I know they are thinking, "Hmm? This guy wants to have sex with me at some point." And right here one of three answers will pop into her head. 1. She will tell herself no way and set you free. 2. She will tell herself, "I'll go out with him, get a free dinner or movie out of it, but I will NEVER have sex with him." Or 3. "I'll go out with him, have some fun, and he has a decent shot at having sex with me." Ok, wait... I just thought of a fourth. "He's so stupid. He could nail me right now without having to shell out a penny," but those girls are girls that you either don't want to touch with a ten foot pole, or you're wealthy and/or have Brad Pitt looks.

I'm fairly convinced I draw answer 1 or 2 at least 80% of the time. I'm not complaining because I've actually developed some friendships out of this, but I'm just saying. The whole process is just embarrassing. So... how do you, meaning I, get over this? How do I ask a woman out without this thought burning into my thought process as I'm trying to speak to her? Is it possible?