An E-Mail From My Dad

I have never been able to subscribe to any form of organized religion. The following post is a perfect example why. To those who do believe in this stuff, glad it's working for you... but it doesn't work for me. And this is why (and this isn't just about the first testament, as both have severe issues such as these)...

"In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant

Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted
on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
PS. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian "

We Have Nothing To Beer But Beer Itself

Yesterday marked my annual pilgrimage to the 2010 Oregon Brewer's Festival. It's really sort of like Christmas for me, well ok, almost Christmas. The Holiday Ale Festival is my real Christmas, but this one is great, too. It just happens to be the largest outdoor beer festival in America. I had printed out the list of beers scheduled to be on tap this year. I highlighted the ones I really wanted to check out. I will not drink beers that I can get on tap in Portland. I won't try anything I can regularly find in a bottle, unless they're pouring a limited edition version. So, after all my prep... I left my list at home. No worries. I had most of it in my head.

We arrived shortly after 2:00. My tactic is to get there early in order to avoid what turns into a big college party, complete with Jersey Shore girls, guys with their baseball hats on backwards, both barely old enough to legally drink. I go when the real beer lovers go... when it's about the beer and not about who can drink the most the fastest without vomiting.

One valuable tactic I learned this year was to always wear one of my Oregon Ducks shirts. I found that you just might score a full pour on one token (normally 1/3 full pour for one token or a full glass for four tokens) if you find an alumni pouring. The other tactic is to always find someone of the opposite sex pouring. You flirt with them a little or just be really nice and well mannered and you just might find the beer pass the tasting line. If I walk up to any guy pouring, odds are that pour will not go past the line, including foam.

So what did I try? Ok, what didn't I try. The advantage of going to something like this is you can have a sip or two of just about everything as the odds are pretty good that most beers will be covered amongst the group. It's all about sharing. I have to admit this year was the year that was about surprises as many new or relatively unknown breweries knocked some of their brews out of the park while some of the industry standards failed in their experimentations. But I don't hold anything against them. Better to keep exploring the realms of hops, malt, yeast, and barley concoctions than to drink the same crap over and over. With failure comes knowledge. From knowledge comes success.

Here's a list of what I tried. I will only note what I consider to be exceptional or didn't quite make it. Anything else mentioned was good and needs no additional comments.

10 Barrel Brewing's India Summer Ale
Anderson Valley Brewing's Summer Solstice Cerveza Crema (one of my all time favorites, and this is where my Duck shirt paid off)
Ballast Point's Big Eye IPA
Blue Frog Grog's Red Frog Ale
Boulder Beer's Kinda Blue (smelled better than it tasted - Blueberry)
Buckbean Brewing's Orange Blossom Ale
Caldera's Hibiscus Ginger Beer (blecht!)
Cascade's Summer Gose (not a big fan of the sours)
Cascade Lake's 20"
Deschutes' Fresh Squeezed IPA (the one I was waiting for = epic fail, but Deschutes has nothing to prove with me)
Dogfish Head's India Brown Ale (one of this year's favorites)
Double Mountain's Vaporizer
Fearless Brewing's Fearless Scottish Ale
Fort George's Vortex IPA
Full Sail's Ltd 03
Golden Valley's Festival Kolsch
Goose Island's Sofie (again, no sours please. I should have known)
Great Divide's Hoss (Good stuff)
Great Northern's Wheatfish
Green Flash's Le Freak
Hopworks' Organic Rise Up Red
Laht Neppur's Strawberry Cream Ale (too much like Frankenberries)
Laughing Dog's Dogzilla (great India Black Ale)
Laurelwood's Organic Deranger Imperial Red
MacTarnahan's Lip Stinger Farmhouse Ale
Mad River's Jamaica Red Ale
Marin Brewing's Blueberry Ale (too blue)
Maui Brewing's CoCoNut Porter ( I would love this on some Vanilla Ice Cream)
Mt. Shasta's Mountain High IPA
Ninkasi's Maiden The Shade (YES!)
Riverport's Brewing's Bedrock Bock
Sierra Nevada's Tumbler Autumn Brown
Southern Oregon's Woodshed Red
Sprecher Brewing's Mai Bock
Stone Brewing's Stone IPA
Terminal Gravity Hop-Double IPA
Three Creeks Brewing's Creekside Kolsch
Three Skulls Brewing's Hop The Plank IPA
Upright Brewing's Reggae Junkie Gruit
Vertigo Brewing's Razz Wheat
Widmer Brother's Captain Shaddock IPA

And believe me... I know I'm probably forgetting a couple IPAs and Reds. But it was another great year. And who knows... I may just run back down tomorrow for the last day. Why not?

Post Wiener Dog

Wiener dog has left. Radio has sprung to life. He is outside chasing squirrels. All is as it should be.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.17

This is the final entry as Carrie should be here any minute. Wiener dog has been sound asleep... until I got up to type this. Wiener dog is standing in the doorway staring at me... ready to tear my throat out. I'm quite sure.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.16

Wiener dog is apparently not a fan of XBox and guitars. Good to know for future wiener dog encounters.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.15

Wiener dog appears to enjoy going outside now. I haven't mowed my lawn, so wiener dog isn't much taller. It appears that wiener dog is tracking something as she keeps staring into the sky with a pose that seems as if she's ready to strike at any moment. The silent wiener dog stalks it's wiener dog prey.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.14

Wiener dog has survived my sister and nephew coming over for breakfast. She even got a piece of left over sausage. Don't tell Carrie. At the moment she is surveying the floor for any dropped food. She appears to like buttered toast as well. Carrie will be here soon for wiener dog. If I were to tell her, I'd be she could hardly wait.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.13

I just received a text that Carrie is on her way back from Bend. I have elected to not tell wiener dog as she is currently calm. I have discovered she has taken to pooping behind my couch. Does she not realize she can't blame this on Radio as he cannot fit behind the couch?

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.12

Wiener dog has seemed to settle a bit. She has taken great interest in me cooking sausage. Coincidence?

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.11

It seems wiener dog hates it when I sit in my office. If I go to the living room and sit, she is fine. As I sit back here and type she runs back, looks at me, whines, rolls on her back, jumps up, and then runs back out to the living room and barks at the piano. Radio is still looking at me with "WTF" eyes.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.10

Wiener dogs don't sleep in. Wiener dog began whining around 5:45 from her crate next to my bed. I was going to let her sleep on my bed, but my mattress is pretty high up in case she jumped, and I also know that when dogs are on unfamiliar turf they have been known to just pee on the bed. I've taken wiener dog outside twice now since I realized my sleep time is over with. I decided to put her leash on for familiarity. All of the sudden she was a different dog. Her tail was wagging, she was running in circles, but then it became very obvious... routine. I could tell when the collar went on that meant treat time. She looked up at me waiting for the "click click" and a treat. But... Carrie didn't leave me any of her regular treats, and she wasn't accepting the long dried stick things. All I have are the big chicken jerky treats for Radio. I offered her a piece of that and she responded with mild interest. What does wiener dog want?

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.9

Wiener dog is in her crate and sitting next to my bed. She lets out little whiney bursts. I have a feeling she will want to sleep on my bed. How do I explain this to Radio?

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.8

The nap has worn off. "Cheek cheek cheek cheek cheek" across the floor... back and forth.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.7

The wiener dog still paces from time to time, but for the most part has found ease in Radio's bed, which is slightly 13 times larger than wiener dog, itself. I'm pretty sure she has peed outside, but it's hard to tell as she is so short to the ground. Rick came over and wiener dog seemed much more comfortable with him. It must be his feminine ways. Radio is at a loss. He has no idea why everything is now shared.

Wiener dog ate most it's food and is still gnawing on a marrow bone rougly two thirds the size of wiener dog.

Wiener dog is still looking at me with distrust and hate. I wonder if the howling will pick back up when I go to bed.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.6

Wiener dog has started to quiet down. She even let me pick her up once without growling at me. I know she wants on the couch as Radio and I sit there, but she's having a hard time letting me pick her up to put her on it. So, she sits on Radio's bed and stares at me. Wiener dog is loosening up.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.5

After hours of running from corner to corner, room to room, and door to door... the wiener dog has peed. Not being able to get mad as the stress is understandable, I now have to explain to Radio that I will still get mad at him if he tried this.

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.4

My dog Radio is staring at me. I don't know what he wants, but its a look of, "why?"

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.3

Realizing that this may be a long term situation (in dog time), the wiener dog has begun coming in closer, accepting my hand to pet her, and even took a piece of food which she had been rejecting earlier. From time to time she howls out to the wild wiener dogs of the forest, she can no doubt sense...

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.2

Somehow this ankle high dog has just discovered how to pull her bag of food off my dining room table, yet does not have the ability to jump on to the couch by herself. How does this work?

The Wiener Dog Chronicles Pt.1

I've always been a big dog guy, not that I had many growing up. We had big dogs once in a while, but it was mostly small mutts, Lhasa Apso's, a Basset Hound, and such. But there was the St. Bernard, a Golden Retriever, and a German Shepard who all had short lived stays for one reason or another. I don't have a dislike of small dogs, I just prefer them to be at least knee high.

There seems to be a trend lately of women and toy dogs... Chihuahuas, Dachshunds, little Terriers, and critters like that. They are kept in little purses and some live lives where their feet never touch the ground. One day my friend Carrie announces that she is getting a wiener dog. I immediately begin making the Paris Hilton jokes, which she quickly denies will be the case. Since Carrie has acquired Sydney, that little dog has had very little affection for me, often snarling, snapping, and barking at me in her little tiny dog voice and her little tiny dog teeth.

Recently Carrie asked if I would watch Sydney for a night while she goes to Bend. If anybody knows me, they know I will always watch a pet. It's just a given. Just minutes ago Carrie dropped Sydney off and has left, leaving the little wiener dog in a panic. I figured this must be documented. My one day with a vicious wiener dog. Since the door closed and Carrie drove off Sydney has begun the frantic pacing... running from the front door to behind the couch to Radio's bed and then to her crate, all the while whining, groaning, and occasionally barking. From time to time she walks closer to me than usual, drops to her belly, and let's out a belly groan. From her crate she runs to the door and it starts all over again. I've made multiple attempts to calm her down by sitting on the couch... the floor... and even moving to different rooms to give her space. As I sit typing I hear Radio's familiar stride with his paws going across the laminate floor, "kuh chee kuh chee," and they I hear Sydney, "cheecheecheecheecheechcheecheechee."

And as I sit hear writing, she has begun howling like a stretched out, dwarfed coyote who is calling out to the siren of an ambulance.

My guess is the wiener dog will settle down.