From last night's episode...
The Poop That Took a Pee
Chapter 1:
Douglas had to poop, his butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, "I need to poop". "Okay, Rebecca replied, "I like poop". Douglas squatted down over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs, looking like a weiner.
"Why are we here?", Douglas cried as poop came out his weiner in a long thin strip, it was weiner-poop, which is the grossest poop of all.
The peepee got on the woman's leg and she screamed, pooping out her boobs.
And so when the pee got mixed with the poop it smelled like a butt.
And the poop and the pee lived happily ever after.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Explanation Please
I was watching the news this past weekend and they did a piece on Sean Penn's efforts in helping the Haitians. Penn was working alongside the military in dispensing food, shelter equipment, and medical supplies. I noticed several of the soldiers he was working with were Airborne Rangers.
So here's my question... Army Rangers are one of the most elite trained soldiers we have. Why do we have the National Guard over in the middle east conducting the bulk of our combat and our highly elite trained soldiers standing in Haiti handing out supplies? Is this our way of saying we don't really want to win the war?
I remember when I was a kid seeing those adds for the guard... "Just one weekend a month and one month a year." Now they are in major combat and have been for years. I'm sure the National Guard are fine soldiers, but I thought the Guard was developed more for handling domestic issues... natural disasters, riots, and blowing shit up at the beach. And how would you feel if you were a Ranger who spent months of intense training in order to better serve your country and now you're stuck handing out port-potties?
Our military at it's finest. If there's a logical explanation I'm all for listening.
So here's my question... Army Rangers are one of the most elite trained soldiers we have. Why do we have the National Guard over in the middle east conducting the bulk of our combat and our highly elite trained soldiers standing in Haiti handing out supplies? Is this our way of saying we don't really want to win the war?
I remember when I was a kid seeing those adds for the guard... "Just one weekend a month and one month a year." Now they are in major combat and have been for years. I'm sure the National Guard are fine soldiers, but I thought the Guard was developed more for handling domestic issues... natural disasters, riots, and blowing shit up at the beach. And how would you feel if you were a Ranger who spent months of intense training in order to better serve your country and now you're stuck handing out port-potties?
Our military at it's finest. If there's a logical explanation I'm all for listening.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Take That Portland Hater
Over the years, from a series of E-mails, and a trail of conversations... I have assessed my cousin Dwight, a Portland native, does in fact appear to hate Portland. Sure, the guy has travelled well, lived around the country, and seen plenty... but every argument he throws my way is just drivel as heard on a short bus.
Today, Dwight forwards me an article about Portland being the "unhappiest" city in the country. This is based on selected "statistics" compiled from other "sources". And everything will be in "quotes".
The first category that added to this assumption is Portland ranks number one in rates of depression. Maybe it is. Or... maybe Portland is equipped with better than average treatment for mental health, thus allowing the depressed to access services... resulting in more accurate reported cases of depression.
Secondly, Oregon rates number 12 in suicide. Go figure? I'm the first to admit that this city is full of eccentric, wacky, and unusual people. As observed in an episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservation, Chuck Palahniuk stated that during the migration to the west coast, Portland collected an array of the odd due to it being a more isolated location, and as time moved forward Portland remained the cheapest option compared to Seattle and anywhere in California. The odd generally don't find themselves living in the upper socioeconomic brackets. So, maybe we do have a lot of jumpers.
The article states we rank 24th in crime rates. Again, I will revert back to the first category. Having worked in the law enforcement field for nearly twenty years, I can say with great confidence that Portlanders tend to report more crime. This might be because we, in fact, have more productive law enforcement that leaves citizens with stronger faith that if they report it, something might actually happen.
Next... Divorce. Apparently Portland ranks fourth in the nation for divorce rate. I'm confused here. Aside from the initial process, I would think this would actually bring a smile to the fractured couple's faces. Sure, it can impact the child, but if Portland's number four divorce rate is, for example, 60%, I would feel fairly safe in saying the bottom ten probably aren't much more off... maybe 50-59% as the national average, last time I looked, floated at 50%. So, it's safe to say everybody has a high divorce rate.
They actually factored in Portland's average days with clouds. Ok, I know some people claim seasonal affective disorder as something legitimate. But what would make you more unhappy... clouds or skin cancer? I'll take the beautiful textures of a cloudy sky, over the terrifying textures of melanoma any day.
And finally, Portland's unemployment rate. At the time of this study it was 7.8%. That's peanuts compared to what it is now. Last I heard, we had an unemployment rate that floated between the second and third worst in the country. Again... it's because more people are actually reporting their unemployment. Why? Because our benefits are pretty decent and our system of claiming unemployment works. I can remember back to when Carol was claiming her unemployment in Arizona. The monthly payment wasn't worth the government issued debit card she used to access her money. And I remember her complaints of hanging on the phone for extensive periods of time, being transferred here and there, only sometimes speaking to a human. And then waiting in lines at the unemployment office to try and get things figured out, only to be told they weren't allowed to speak to a real person. So, are we really higher than everybody else, or are we just more efficient at getting money to our unfortunate, thus boosting the claim rates?
If Portland is so bad, why do we almost always place somewhere in the top 10 of most Best Of lists? I don't need to cite them all here. If you live in Portland you know. And the only reason our highways are more congested than ever is because we can't stop people from moving here. Excellent food. Perfect beers. Great coffee. Outstanding wines. Easy mass transit. Dog friendly. Bicycle friendly. Never ending oddities. A top rated music scene. And we're pretty nice people. I'll take Portland over Seattle, L.A., San Fran, Vegas, NYC, or anywhere else I've visited in a heartbeat.
We're an hour from an internationally ranked coast line, a few hours from the high desert, an hour from the mountains (those little things they call mountains in the midwest are bicycle jumps compared to our mountain ranges), a short drive to the Columbia Gorge, surrounded by rivers and lakes, and if you need the congestion of a big city you can drive three hours north to suck on Seattle's fumes.
Dwight, Dwight, Dwight... you've been gone too long. You missed what happened here. You've missed out as Portland has become one of the greatest cities around. I've been to many of the great American cities. Other than some incredible pizza in Chicago, amazing catfish in Seattle, or the unreal energy of New Orleans... Nothing compares.
Today, Dwight forwards me an article about Portland being the "unhappiest" city in the country. This is based on selected "statistics" compiled from other "sources". And everything will be in "quotes".
The first category that added to this assumption is Portland ranks number one in rates of depression. Maybe it is. Or... maybe Portland is equipped with better than average treatment for mental health, thus allowing the depressed to access services... resulting in more accurate reported cases of depression.
Secondly, Oregon rates number 12 in suicide. Go figure? I'm the first to admit that this city is full of eccentric, wacky, and unusual people. As observed in an episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservation, Chuck Palahniuk stated that during the migration to the west coast, Portland collected an array of the odd due to it being a more isolated location, and as time moved forward Portland remained the cheapest option compared to Seattle and anywhere in California. The odd generally don't find themselves living in the upper socioeconomic brackets. So, maybe we do have a lot of jumpers.
The article states we rank 24th in crime rates. Again, I will revert back to the first category. Having worked in the law enforcement field for nearly twenty years, I can say with great confidence that Portlanders tend to report more crime. This might be because we, in fact, have more productive law enforcement that leaves citizens with stronger faith that if they report it, something might actually happen.
Next... Divorce. Apparently Portland ranks fourth in the nation for divorce rate. I'm confused here. Aside from the initial process, I would think this would actually bring a smile to the fractured couple's faces. Sure, it can impact the child, but if Portland's number four divorce rate is, for example, 60%, I would feel fairly safe in saying the bottom ten probably aren't much more off... maybe 50-59% as the national average, last time I looked, floated at 50%. So, it's safe to say everybody has a high divorce rate.
They actually factored in Portland's average days with clouds. Ok, I know some people claim seasonal affective disorder as something legitimate. But what would make you more unhappy... clouds or skin cancer? I'll take the beautiful textures of a cloudy sky, over the terrifying textures of melanoma any day.
And finally, Portland's unemployment rate. At the time of this study it was 7.8%. That's peanuts compared to what it is now. Last I heard, we had an unemployment rate that floated between the second and third worst in the country. Again... it's because more people are actually reporting their unemployment. Why? Because our benefits are pretty decent and our system of claiming unemployment works. I can remember back to when Carol was claiming her unemployment in Arizona. The monthly payment wasn't worth the government issued debit card she used to access her money. And I remember her complaints of hanging on the phone for extensive periods of time, being transferred here and there, only sometimes speaking to a human. And then waiting in lines at the unemployment office to try and get things figured out, only to be told they weren't allowed to speak to a real person. So, are we really higher than everybody else, or are we just more efficient at getting money to our unfortunate, thus boosting the claim rates?
If Portland is so bad, why do we almost always place somewhere in the top 10 of most Best Of lists? I don't need to cite them all here. If you live in Portland you know. And the only reason our highways are more congested than ever is because we can't stop people from moving here. Excellent food. Perfect beers. Great coffee. Outstanding wines. Easy mass transit. Dog friendly. Bicycle friendly. Never ending oddities. A top rated music scene. And we're pretty nice people. I'll take Portland over Seattle, L.A., San Fran, Vegas, NYC, or anywhere else I've visited in a heartbeat.
We're an hour from an internationally ranked coast line, a few hours from the high desert, an hour from the mountains (those little things they call mountains in the midwest are bicycle jumps compared to our mountain ranges), a short drive to the Columbia Gorge, surrounded by rivers and lakes, and if you need the congestion of a big city you can drive three hours north to suck on Seattle's fumes.
Dwight, Dwight, Dwight... you've been gone too long. You missed what happened here. You've missed out as Portland has become one of the greatest cities around. I've been to many of the great American cities. Other than some incredible pizza in Chicago, amazing catfish in Seattle, or the unreal energy of New Orleans... Nothing compares.
One Thing Leads To Another
I don't even know where to begin. So, I'll go back to the very beginning. This past Thursday I meet Arturo at the Lompoc for a beer. We then head to Bastas to meet Melody for Happy Hour... escargot, calamari, risotto, blah blah blah. The three of us then head up to Scooter McQuades for a beer. From there we head to the Crystal Ballroom for MarchFourth Marching Band's seventh anniversary celebration. The show was fantastic. I returned home somewhere around 1:00 a.m.
On Friday I head out to meet Rick at Tony's new bar, Sinott's Lil Cooperstown over on NE Halsey. We hang there for a bit and then head downtown to meet Helen at the Big Ass Sandwich food cart. Their website was a bit confusing on the hours, thus they were closed when we got there. So, after a short debate we sucked it up and went to Kell's for some food. From there we meandered over to Dante's to catch my brother playing with Dry County Crooks, along with Kleveland and I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House's reunion show. Lulu, John, Kelly, and Mike all showed up to join us. The music was great. People began to filter out, eventually leaving Rick, Lulu, John, and I. The four of us then made our way over to Voodoo Doughnut where I splurged on a Bacon Maple Bar and bought to glazed doughnuts for a couple of homeless kids with a hungry looking dog. Again, home around 1:00 a.m.
Saturday comes around and I find myself under my sink for a few hours installing a new garbage disposal and re-plumbing the double sink. A couple of trips to Lowe's and back, and I'm done. I then proceed to clean out my Tiki Lounge and get it "party ready". In the process I discover that our big snow and freeze this past winter claimed my 7-Up bottle. This was the commemorative bottle from 1977 when the Portland Trailblazers won the NBA title. I had that bottle since 1977 and it was actually worth some coin. But, the temperature went down, and the bottle burst. Later that night I met up with Rick at Rogue. Lindsey eventually joined us, and once again I found myself driving home after midnight.
I woke up Sunday morning and jumped right on the mowing the lawn and pruning some essential vegetation. I then pick up Carrie and we head to Kelli and Ken's for their annual Oscar Party along with Tara and Tim. I'm proud to say that after many years I finally won the prediction contest after a tie with Tara, but thanks to seeing more nominated films that her, I won the tie breaker. Finally, home before midnight.
I now look at my calendar and realize there is no slowing down. I contemplated checking out Supersuckers this Thursday, but realize I need a break. Carrie is teetering on whether we will do a beer tasting this Saturday. I have Roller Derby Saturday night, and then meeting an old friend and her family on Sunday. The following weekend is no different, as there is a Dragonflies reunion show with Kleveland at the Hawthorne Theater that Friday, and the Paperboys at Jimmy Mak's that Saturday.
I still have more pruning. My lawn will surely need to be mowed again by then. My blinds need to be dusted, and windows to wash. My garage needs cleaning. And and and!!! Throw a regular job on top of all this and I'm just wiped out. I shouldn't complain though. All this means... all this really means is that I have many great friends and live in a city that offers more than I can handle. I'll take it.
On Friday I head out to meet Rick at Tony's new bar, Sinott's Lil Cooperstown over on NE Halsey. We hang there for a bit and then head downtown to meet Helen at the Big Ass Sandwich food cart. Their website was a bit confusing on the hours, thus they were closed when we got there. So, after a short debate we sucked it up and went to Kell's for some food. From there we meandered over to Dante's to catch my brother playing with Dry County Crooks, along with Kleveland and I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In The House's reunion show. Lulu, John, Kelly, and Mike all showed up to join us. The music was great. People began to filter out, eventually leaving Rick, Lulu, John, and I. The four of us then made our way over to Voodoo Doughnut where I splurged on a Bacon Maple Bar and bought to glazed doughnuts for a couple of homeless kids with a hungry looking dog. Again, home around 1:00 a.m.
Saturday comes around and I find myself under my sink for a few hours installing a new garbage disposal and re-plumbing the double sink. A couple of trips to Lowe's and back, and I'm done. I then proceed to clean out my Tiki Lounge and get it "party ready". In the process I discover that our big snow and freeze this past winter claimed my 7-Up bottle. This was the commemorative bottle from 1977 when the Portland Trailblazers won the NBA title. I had that bottle since 1977 and it was actually worth some coin. But, the temperature went down, and the bottle burst. Later that night I met up with Rick at Rogue. Lindsey eventually joined us, and once again I found myself driving home after midnight.
I woke up Sunday morning and jumped right on the mowing the lawn and pruning some essential vegetation. I then pick up Carrie and we head to Kelli and Ken's for their annual Oscar Party along with Tara and Tim. I'm proud to say that after many years I finally won the prediction contest after a tie with Tara, but thanks to seeing more nominated films that her, I won the tie breaker. Finally, home before midnight.
I now look at my calendar and realize there is no slowing down. I contemplated checking out Supersuckers this Thursday, but realize I need a break. Carrie is teetering on whether we will do a beer tasting this Saturday. I have Roller Derby Saturday night, and then meeting an old friend and her family on Sunday. The following weekend is no different, as there is a Dragonflies reunion show with Kleveland at the Hawthorne Theater that Friday, and the Paperboys at Jimmy Mak's that Saturday.
I still have more pruning. My lawn will surely need to be mowed again by then. My blinds need to be dusted, and windows to wash. My garage needs cleaning. And and and!!! Throw a regular job on top of all this and I'm just wiped out. I shouldn't complain though. All this means... all this really means is that I have many great friends and live in a city that offers more than I can handle. I'll take it.
Friday, March 05, 2010
Busted!
Chris Calvert and I have been working on our first batch of home brew. The other night Chris and his boy, Luke, came over as we transferred the beer into the secondary fermentor. We set Luke up with XBox, pizza, and Empire Strikes Back.
The next day, Luke goes to school and is given an assignment to draw a picture and tell a story of what he did the night before.
Paraphrasing... "Me and my dad, Chris, went to my dad's friends named Sean. I played video games and ate pizza while my dad and Sean made beer." Above the story was a picture of two stick figures standing around a giant jug of beer.
Luke's teacher hands Chris the picture and says, "You may not want to put this one on the fridge."
BS! I say that sucker goes up for life!
The next day, Luke goes to school and is given an assignment to draw a picture and tell a story of what he did the night before.
Paraphrasing... "Me and my dad, Chris, went to my dad's friends named Sean. I played video games and ate pizza while my dad and Sean made beer." Above the story was a picture of two stick figures standing around a giant jug of beer.
Luke's teacher hands Chris the picture and says, "You may not want to put this one on the fridge."
BS! I say that sucker goes up for life!
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Capitalism - Communism In Sheeps Clothing
I've been making my mortgage payment via a bi-weekly program for many years now with the same program. Twice a month the company deducts money from my bank account, and then sends a check to my mortgage company. As is usually the case, Citibank went and purchased my mortgage from my original mortgage company. On Friday, February 26th (the last business day of the month) I receive a letter in the mail from Citibank stating I did not make my February payment. I call Citibank. I wait on hold for roughly 15 minutes, the phone clicks as if to direct me to an operator, and the line disconnects. I call again, wait on hold for 20 minutes, and speak to a Citibank representative. The rep tells me they never received a payment and the matter will be reported to the credit bureau if they do not receive payment by the end of the month... in two days on a Sunday. I explain my situation and he tells me to call my bi-weekly program.
I call the bi-weekly program and am put on hold for about a minute. The rep looks over everything and states they made the payment, sent it in on January 25th, and have a tracking number to prove Citibank received it, and even opened it on February 2nd. The rep keeps me on the phone and calls Citibank to discuss the matter with them. The Citibank guy explains the payment never came in even though bi-weekly guy gives him the tracking number info. I chirp up and confront Citibank guy explaining to him that Citibank is at fault her for mishandling my money and both myself and bi-weekly guy have to information to prove that. Citibank tells us to fax the information to their investigators, but if they can't find the money by the first of March, my credit report is getting dinged. If they resolve the matter after the first they'll erase the credit ding.
Now... we all know that once your credit report has been dinged, your fault or not, it is always noted on the report, whether it is "erased" or not.
Here's what really gets me... isn't Citibank one of the sons of bitches who cried to our government for bail out money because they did such shitty business practices? Then they took that bail out money and gave bonuses to their CEO's for doing such a good job? To all you people who believe Capitalism is the American way... you're IDIOTS! I don't care how much I love you or know you... Capitalism is bullshit and you're STUPID for supporting it. It does nothing for the average American citizen. George Bush and Barack Obama will support the bank over you any day of the week.
I call the bi-weekly program and am put on hold for about a minute. The rep looks over everything and states they made the payment, sent it in on January 25th, and have a tracking number to prove Citibank received it, and even opened it on February 2nd. The rep keeps me on the phone and calls Citibank to discuss the matter with them. The Citibank guy explains the payment never came in even though bi-weekly guy gives him the tracking number info. I chirp up and confront Citibank guy explaining to him that Citibank is at fault her for mishandling my money and both myself and bi-weekly guy have to information to prove that. Citibank tells us to fax the information to their investigators, but if they can't find the money by the first of March, my credit report is getting dinged. If they resolve the matter after the first they'll erase the credit ding.
Now... we all know that once your credit report has been dinged, your fault or not, it is always noted on the report, whether it is "erased" or not.
Here's what really gets me... isn't Citibank one of the sons of bitches who cried to our government for bail out money because they did such shitty business practices? Then they took that bail out money and gave bonuses to their CEO's for doing such a good job? To all you people who believe Capitalism is the American way... you're IDIOTS! I don't care how much I love you or know you... Capitalism is bullshit and you're STUPID for supporting it. It does nothing for the average American citizen. George Bush and Barack Obama will support the bank over you any day of the week.
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