Of Course

There are those who can buy a car, drive it for fifteen years, and they will never get a scratch, a dent, and always have a perfect windshield. I buy a car and within one week, some mouth breathing piece of crap will throw their car door into it in a parking lot, walk away, and never say a thing. Two days later a rock will hit the windshield and crack it.

If I buy a shirt, within one week I will drop the stainiest of staining food on it. If I buy shoes, some guy will accidentally drop his bottle of dye right on the shoes. I can go on and on. My point is, there is a force in this universe that has stated I am not to own or possess anything that won't be damaged. You may think this is paranoid thinking, but I ran it by my mom and she said the exact same thing, thus this is hereditary. The God of Breaking Shit has somehow taken an interest in us.

I'm not being unappreciative as I have plenty. But, I can take you through my home and if you point out anything that is considered nice or new, I can point out how and when it became damaged.

Last week I was driving my parents to the movies. I had two very large cracks running through my windshield. My parents immediately started in, "You need to fix this, wha wha wha wha, hazard, wha wha wha wha, now..." I tell them that as soon as I fix it, a new rock will immediately hit my windshield and crack it again. They respond with, "Wha wha wha wha."

This past Saturday I take my car in and get the windshield replaced. Monday night I peel the tape off one day later than they say just to make sure it's all airtight. Yesterday as I'm driving down the road I think to myself, "Hmm, what's that weird thing in the air?" Just then, that weird thing flies right into my windshield and leaves a night little crater.

Up yours God of Breaking Shit! And up yours to all you SUV and truck drivers who drive around with pointless mudflaps on your back tires. You guys drive around F'ing up everybody's cars without consequence. I can't talk on my cell phone in my car, but you guys can drive like reckless asses cracking people's windshields?

Could You Be The One To Tell Them?

There are those who believe...

If their home catches on fire firefighters should come to their house, put out the fire, and your and my tax dollars should pay for it.

If a prowler is breaking into their home police officers should rush to the scene to protect them and their family, and your and my tax dollars should pay for it.

They should be able to send their children to public school, and your and my tax dollars should pay for it.

If their child suffers from a mental disability that causes them to become a burden on society through committing crimes and requiring assisted living, your and my tax dollars should pay for it.

And I agree with them.

But... if you or I should fall victim to catastrophic injury or disease and we could not find employment that would provide us with medical coverage, or our minimum wage job does not pay enough for you or I to afford medical coverage while trying to put a roof over our head, feed and clothe our children, and pay our utilities... well, then you and I will most likely suffer or die because that person who wants all those other life essentials paid for by you and I... doesn't want to pay for you or I to live the same quality of life as them. Yet, ask one of these people to go to the hospital and tell the dying patient, "I'm sorry, I just feel I need a nicer car this year, so you'll just have to go." They'll decline. They won't have the courage to say it to the dying's face. But they'll love that tax refund.

A few people who live in this country control the medicines, the technology, the money, and the politicians who decide what to do with our money and assets. They make decisions on a daily basis that allow thousands and millions to die unnecessary deaths each year, even though they have the power to allow those people to live. These are the people who believe ten billion dollars isn't enough to live on. They need twenty billion, and if they don't get their extra ten billion they make bigger cuts allowing even more to die. Their pharmaceutical companies must thrive. Their insurance companies must thrive. And you and I can die to make that happen.

America is now a laughing stock amongst the world. We have more power than any other country. We have the ability to allow every citizen access to the best health care in the world. Yet only a small percentage of Americans are allowed this "luxury".

The politicians you and I elected will scare you into thinking that taking care of your fellow man will lead to a Communist dictatorship. It's un-American... America... a country that was founded on Christian morals and beliefs. Christianity... a movement that began with one man who wanted to spread the word of love, compassion, and forgiveness. But now we are told it is un-American to love and be compassionate to those who suffer. If every modern nation is providing their people with health care and more, how is it we're in the right? Is everybody else wrong? That's hard to imagine seeing as how most of these countries now outrank America in standard of living, quality of education, and quality of health care. America is no longer number one. We're not even close. The only category America maintains top status is how to kill another human being, whether it is through air strikes in another land, or merely here in our own backyards where we murder one another each year more than anyone else.

How dare my government ask me to pay an extra $20 a year in taxes to save the lives of who knows how many. That $20 needs to go toward the development of the next high tech piece of technology that can kill one hundred more people per missile strike than the current high tech piece of technology. That's how Jesus would have wanted it. How dare my government provide me with a pill that could save my life for just pennies and dimes when a pharmaceutical company can charge $100 for that same pill.

Don't look to the Republicans. Don't look to the Democrats. Don't look to the other parties we can barely see. These people are owned. If you write them you will receive a form letter thanking you for your concerns, and some closing comment hoping you will provide your support to them in the next election. This letter was most likely stuffed into an envelope by some intern hoping to someday be the next senator, so they too can have their homes paid for by a pharmaceutical company who has paid them off to write bills that will further disintegrate the middle class.

Where's the answer? I don't know. Politely asking for something from a man who would gladly stomp on your head for the dollar in your back pocket doesn't seem to work. It became abundantly clear to me in the 2000 election process that "We The People" means nothing. We the people voted for one man, yet through an outdated, non-democratic process that was dripping with scandal we received another. Then four years later watched the same electoral process repeat itself, this time under the veil of fear mongering. How can I trust this system to raise this country to a place where I can look you in the eye and say I'm proud of my country. I'm proud of the decisions that are being made for it's people. I'm proud that we have taken care of our own, and can now focus on taking care of the rest of the people who suffer ten times what we suffer on a daily basis.

I don't know if this can happen because... there are people who believe... people who believe the more you and I suffer... the better it is for their lifestyle.

A Shout Out

I have visuals of what a literal shout out would look like and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. It's intended as a good thing, but if somebody walked up to me and shouted out into my face I would probably punch them in the nose, as well as a few other places if they persisted. As is the case with most jargon that evolves into pop culture norms, we have to look at the roots. People tend to forget that most popular sayings in America generally are adopted from African American culture. When asked how she was doing, I have actually witnessed an upperclass woman in her 70's respond with, "Ah'ight."

So, at this moment I would like to give a shout out to TMR reader Rob D. Thanks for reading...

If You Believe In This Stuff

A friend just forwarded me these. I included Capricorn because I was really only about 20 minutes away from being one. For those of you who know me... Yes? No? I know it's all general stuff, but I've always had fun with it. I've added my own input as well.

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One
Spontaneous (SURE). High appeal. Rare to find (I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS). Great when found. Loves being in long relationships (YES). So much love to give. A loner most of the time (NOT MOST BUT I HAVE MY NEEDS). Loses patience easily and will not take crap (AGREED). If in a bad mood stay FAR away (I WON'T BIT THOUGH). Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever (I'VE HEARD THIS ABOUT ME). Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness (DISAGREE). Has many fears but will not show it (WRONG). VERY private person (WRONG). Defends loved ones with all their abilities (TO THE DEATH). Can be childish often (HOPE SO). Not one to mess with. Very pretty (WTF?). Very romantic (COME TO ME). Nice to everyone they meet (NOT). Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal (UNIQUE IS A GOOD WORD FOR ME). Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed.. (HOT CHA CHA CHA)!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying (I HAVE THE POWER BUT RARELY USE IT).

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover
Love to bust (BUST WHAT?). Nice. Sassy (YUP). Intelligent. Sexy (GRRRR). Grouchy at times and annoying to some (I'D TAKE THAT BET). Lazy and love to take it easy. But when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it (YES). Proud, understanding and sweet. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships (WE COVERED THIS ONE). Great talker (SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP). Always gets what he or she wants (THAT ONLY WORKED WITH MOM WHEN I WAS A KID). Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports (IT'S WHY I DIDN'T PLAY SPORTS). Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good restaurants (I'D RATHER COOK). Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

Making Sense Of It All

***Warning - This entry will be discussing poop. If you don't like that, stop reading now. You have been warned***

I guess I don't understand our bodies and the whole eating thing. If we eat something and it's delicious going in, why wouldn't it be delicious going out? I know if it's hot and spicy going in, it's hot and spicy going out. It's amazing what our body can do to a plate of food in just over 12 hours. For the most part, everything looks the same coming out. It may have different textures and consistencies, but most of the time it's brown and like soft clay. Sure, sometimes it's green or blackish. Sometimes it floats and sometimes it sinks. And sometimes it's just very runny.

I guess my favorite concept is one night I can eat a dish of greens and the next morning they're browns.

I'm sorry. I just had to get all this off my chest. It just didn't seem appropriate for a Facebook posting. And at least I didn't include pictures on this one.

A Request

My friend Michelle and I are in the process of writing a book on parties, sort of the do's and don'ts with a lot of helpful information on how to throw the best parties ever. We are looking for your help, as we don't want to miss any factors. Please take a moment and participate in this survey to help us out.
Thanks...
SURVEY

My Newest Thought

The bad guys are just good guys who had their feelings hurt.

Stupid Shirt

As the temperatures fluctuate back and forth, so does my bodies ability to acclimate. A while ago when we were dipping into nearly zero degrees, the forties actually seemed somewhat balmy. Now that we bounce between the low and high forties, it comes across as rather chilly. And for whatever reason, I've been feeling a little colder than usual. When I wake up in the middle of the night, the house feels ten degrees cooler than usual. I check the thermostat and it's the same that it's always been. I thought I'd try something different and actually sleep with a shirt on.

Historically, I can't do this. I get the feeling I do a lot of moving while I sleep. And with this movement comes the entanglement of cotton around my neck. For whatever reason, I thought last night would be different. As I dressed down to go to bed, I left the black T-shirt on.

Somewhere around 2:00 a.m. I woke with the shirt wrapped up around my chest, my arms nearly pinned and the sleeves were wound tightly around my biceps. Once again, I was held captive by my black T-shirt.

I have no vivid memories of ever wearing pajamas, but I know I did. More than likely there would have been some character from Star Wars on them, but I really can't remember. But... I grew up in a home with two parents who were very... liberal.... in how they dealt with nudity. Seeing my parents naked was a nearly every day thing. I didn't think anything of it as a kid. It's just how it was.

My dad has never been one to be self conscious... he loved to crap with the door open. This was, of course, in the bathroom sitting mere feet away from the dining room table. His excuse was that he wanted to be part of the conversation. So, for breakfast it was Captain Crunch, orange juice, and the sounds of explosive diarrhea. When it came time to do yard work, there was dad in the front yard wearing nothing but jogging shorts. A cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other... a neighbor's delight.

Along with this thinking process, dad also slept naked. My guess is that should the house catch fire in the night and the family had to flee to the streets for safety, being naked for all our good neighbors to see just wouldn't be an issue for him.

Eventually as I grew older this would all catch up to me for one traumatizing moment. As I opened my door to start a new day, I heard mom screaming in the kitchen. Being a groggy teenager, it took a moment to realize what this was all about, but eventually it all registered.

"FIRE! Fire!" From our stairway I could see mom standing in front of the stove as the glow of flames bounced off the surroundings. Yes, the stove was on fire. But without delay, dad was there with fire extinguisher in hand shooting flame retardant materials all over the stove. I looked at my dad with great awe. His quick reactions. His ability to stay calm. His perfect execution of battling those flames. His... complete nakedness. There he was... my dad... butt naked, fire extinguisher in hand.... fighting a fire. This image has always stuck with me.

My point? I, like most kids, attempted to follow in my dad's footsteps and eventually began sleeping in my own nakedness. It's very comfortable. It feels like riding in a car without a seat belt. There's just so much freedom. But another sensation that comes with riding in a car without a seat belt is the lack of security. I began to wonder just how I would deal with the night that my house caught fire and I had to run into the streets naked. I didn't have what dad had. Somewhere along the line, I picked up mom's humility. Something needed to change, or my testing of this eventual night would strike just to shame me.

The solution? Apparently I am fine with the idea of running into the front yard in my underwear. I'm pretty sure that should this event ever take place, I will pay for it dearly. But who knows. Perhaps another part of my father will emerge in a moment such as this. It could be the the rebirth of the naked firefighter.

Why?

A man can drive down the street, unravel a pack of cigarettes, dig to pull one cigarette out, grab an incendiary device, ignite a combustible item in his hand, continue to drive for the next fifteen minutes with said combustible item occupying one of his hands, and then toss said combustible item out the window when he is finished with it... but... I am not allowed to hold a cell phone to my head and talk while driving? Oh... I get it.

As I drive to work each morning I, unfortunately, have a drive time that coincides with the school buses, and no matte which path I take to work, the buses are there. Fine. I rode the school buses. But here's what I don't get... when I was a kid the bus stops were spread so far apart you couldn't see the kids at another stop. Now, and this is literal not figurative, the buses are doing front door pick up and drop off service, and are stopping ever two or three houses. Make these damn kids walk! And I don't want to hear any parents scream about them not wanting their kids getting abducted or attacked. If you care so much about your kid, walk with them and watch them until they get on and get off the bus.

And finally... Jay Leno. If you can't pull in the ratings at 10:00, don't be a whiny bitch and want your old job back. Life isn't supposed to work like that. You had the Tonight Show. You left. You failed. Deal with it. The Tonight Show is an 11:30 (ish) institution. You are not the king shit who gets to change all that. And quite frankly, you've been a bore since you sold out to the man. Go retire. You have more money than God. Let us laugh again.

I Wanna Be An Atheist

But I can't. By most definitions, an Atheist is one who believes in no deity. And realistically, I don't... but I do believe in something. I don't know if it's a human-like figure, or maybe some kind of blob... Blobgod. Maybe it's just the energy of our presence. But something is screwing with every one of us.

I recently learned this the hard way. If I believed in nothing, I would be affected by nothing. I would feel nothing. The problem with being human is the battle that rages on between the two factors fighting for complete control of the body. The brain is the entity responsible for rationality. It uses logic and experience to guide us through obstacles in life. The heart then comes along and drives us to make mistakes. I don't use the word mistake as a negative concept. Quite the opposite really. Mistakes can lead to great things. But, they can also bring us great pain. The heart is simply playing Devil's advocate to counter the deprivations our brain brings us.

Our lives would be much simpler if one could conquer the other. I assume there are those out there who have ended this battle. Those controlled by their brain probably have very productive lives. I would imagine they'd be a little empty on an emotional level, but they're productive. I'd guess that those ruled by their hearts live in a constant struggle. The world isn't designed for things going smoothly and we are rarely given anything for free. The heart just wants what it wants and can't see the rules.

Most of us take the balanced approach. We go about each day leaving tasks up to the brain and hand over emotions to the heart. There are frequent conflicts that arise. The worst of these conflicts is love. For the very few of us that truly find it, things rarely go as we had hoped. There always has to be a conflict to keep it from being easy. The end result is a physical pain.

How does a human being feel physical pain from no tangible injury? This pain wasn't caused by falling down, stubbing out toe, getting cut on a nail sticking out of the wall, or being hit in the face. It was caused by a feeling of loss. The only conclusion I can come up with is that this means I have a soul. A soul is just like my hand. While I can't see it like my hand, it's there. And it's susceptible to anything any other body part can experience. I have wounded my soul, and with the wound comes pain. I don't really see how it would be possible to have a soul without another existing plain for my soul to come from or go to.

I'm not even going to try and guess at what that place looks like or what the rules are, but if this place did not exist, what is the purpose of having a soul? What I am sure of is that it has nothing to do with a bible or any other book of words that are packed full of contradiction. That's a whole different argument. I'm not even going to use the word spirituality because I really don't know what this whole soul is.

And that is the point. I don't know. I don't know anything. Call me a fence post sitter, but that's all I have. Agnostics take a lot of crap for not having an opinion, but I think I do have an opinion. I don't buy into any organized religion. God is as tangible as UFO's, sea monsters, and Santa Claus. He could exist, but who am I to know? What I do know is that I haven't stubbed my toe, but right now my soul hurts.

What's The Deal With Teenage Stand Up Comics?

So, as I was going through a bunch of crap in my home office I found a little binder notebook. I couldn't remember what was in it, so I opened it up and took a look. Back when I was an older teenager I had this idea that I would be the youngest stand up comic ever. I wrote down a bunch of ideas for topics to joke about. So, here I give you... unedited... my list of topics I was going to use for my teenage stand up routine-

1. Sweat pants draw string catches hair.
2. Parents wanting to go everywhere with you when on vacation.
3. All stand ups just lost girlfriends.
4. Pissing outside, pissing on a boat, can't rust.
5. First girl whoever liked me must have had brain damage.
6. Spanish tv stations.
7. Arnold Schwartzenegger and Michael Jackson.
8. How big actors feel about their early movies.
9. Janitors at the JCC (Jewish Community Center)
10. Girls say yes to plans, but not good enough for guys.
11. Dogshit in my room.
12. Getting tickets - explanations.
13. Frankenbarry vs Count Choculu
14. Asking two people the time - who's right?
15. First brave person to eat something for the first time.
16. The proper way to fold toilet paper.
17. Screwed shower systems.
18. Explaining about working at JCC without offending.
19. Saying goodbye on phone - bye, see ya later, take it easy.
20. Mom buys you neat shirt, next day it doesn't look good.
21. Why do tv's have vertical and horizontal knobs?
22. Why does the JCC pop machine take (steal) quarters and the members don't mind?
23. Wiring locker room doors so they shock people.
24. Women at the JCC who bitch about men's hair in the sink, but then want to tell you about their periods.
25. Trying to make a typical or bad car sound good.
26. Wouldn't you hate to be puss?
27. Why do they have "In Memory Signs" at restaurants? They just remind me of dead people while I'm eating.
28. Did you cut your hair?
No, someone else did.
No, it just falls out like that.
29. In Case of Emergency Notify: Ambulance!
30. What are one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eaters?

So, as you can see... I made the right career choice, or at least avoided a wrong one.